I've had a lingering feeling for the last month or so that I'm going to awkwardly try to force into English sentences. It's something like this ... free will (the experience of free will, anyway) is such an awesome opportunity that it can terrify one into absolute immobility and paralysis, and the only way to deal with this crushing responsibility is to discard entirely any hope of always making the best decisions, and to sever any kind of emotional attachment to any possible outcome of one's decisions, which, while rarely significant in the long run, can occasionally add to a sort of fulcrum point that can tip not only the scales of one's own personal dramatic trajectory, but the course of history itself.

Ok time to refill the wine glass.

That's better. Take two. Same feeling, different approach. All failure are failures of the imagination. That is, we are all within a range of a fairly short sequence of decisions that can propel us rapidly to any kind of success we can imagine. This is not to say that we are all born with an equal hand of cards (and for the rest of this blog entry please ignore any mixing or other kinds of abuse of metaphors ... I warned you this wasn't going to be pretty). We are given radically different opportunity-scapes. In general, those with the best chances are the most blind to the possibilities, while those born into desperation know a good chance when they see it. Of course this isn't always true ... just a broad generalization. I consider myself very lucky to be somewhere in the middle of the spectrum ... no silver spoon, yet not born into crushing poverty, in a country with no freedom, or infrastructure, or sound environment (to name just a few sources of oft-taken-for-granted wealth that all of us in the USA have).

So, back to the burden ... the burden of knowing that just a few good calls can take you so much higher, but never knowing exactly what those calls are. In my line of work that could be signing a great track, or writing a great track, or playing a number of tracks blended particularly well together, or meeting someone who can connect you to something, or giving something to someone who then wants to give you something back even better. And not just work, the same holds true in love, in friendship, in creativity. We are all *so close* to what we want. Not the in sense of instant gratification, of things happening quickly, but in the sense of using our free will to make several good decisions in a particular order, and voila!, life has changed. It can go the other way too ... we can fall so fast.

Of course life is not about success, it's about experience, because that's all it is really right? But our experience becomes very stale if we aren't oriented towards something, be it internal growth, external achievement, or some combination.

AND who can live with this burden, that the difference between a crushing, deadening, work-a-day, grueling life and one that affords nearly limitless freedom and joy is just a short sequence of imaginative decisions away? Talk about pressure ... Jeez, life is intense. You can't let it get to you. But you can't let it get away from you either, because we're playing for keeps here. Then again, most decisions aren't fatal, unless you're in active combat or something like that. Most of us desk/studio types get lots and lots of chances.

So where does this leave me, personally? Three things that I can think of at the moment, after two glasses of wine. Don't take anything seriously, except for everything. Be decent to everyone, and when you have what seems to be a half decent idea grab it grab it grab it grab it!